Who am I?
I’ve been afraid to start writing. Afraid that once I start, I will discover I am not good at it or I don’t like it. If that happens, then once again the dream is gone, the hope or illusion that I have a purpose is gone.
The dreaming of – once I take this next step, then my life will be complete, my life will be all that I imagined, and I will be happy – dashed.
But what if this isn’t the problem at all, what if the problem is that I am simply afraid to live?
Afraid to take that first step, afraid to trust, afraid to breathe, afraid to start MY life.
My choices, my thoughts, my dreams….
But what if I am a disaster? What if I fall flat on my face? What if no one cares who I am? Just me, not attached to my parents, siblings, (ex-)husband, kids….. what if it’s just me…
And what if taking this step, starting to write is exactly what I am meant to do?
Who am I?
A question I have been struggling with for days, weeks actually because if I can’t explain who I am, or at the very least introduce myself, then how can I possibly move forward?
I am a child of God, I am a servant of God.
And I’m ok with that, the rest comes after that. The titles, connections, responsibilities, the to do list…all that comes after, and without the first how can there be the next?
You shall have no other God except me.
Sounds easy, but oh so not! There have been many mini Gods in my life: coveting, lusting, gluttony, greed, pride, sloth, anger. But at the end of the day, or the end of every trial in my life, I am relived that I always return to my number one true God, and this brings me peace, clarity and reason.
The way I see things.
My kids had a Mastercraft viewfinder, a toy that allows you to see the world in 3D when you insert a card and pull down a lever… and the reel slowly turns from one image to the next, and you hear the final click when the new image falls into place showing you a scene from somewhere in the world. It was a wonderful invention, and before iPads and smartphones could amuse a child (or me) for hours.
One time a friend picked up this toy and looked through, clicking, pausing, clicking again changing reels to see more images. Animals, planes, county side……and I patiently waited.
Eventually my friend put it down and said, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we could see the world like this all of the time.’ I’m sure my blank stare said it all, yet I still asked what he meant. A little surprised, he asked if that is how I saw the world, with depth and dimension, something tangible, to be a part of, to be able to walk into and experience, to touch and to feel. Why yes…yes I do…
My friend seemed wistful and maybe even a little jealous as he confessed, he could only see the world flat, like on an old T.V. He shook his head slightly mystified that anyone could see the world in such an inspiring way.
I was a daughter first, sister, mother, wife and ex-wife, stay at home mom, working Mom, friend, volunteer, leader, storyteller…. and now amateur photographer and blogger.
And so, I begin my journey as just me, a child of God who sees the world in my own unique way through my lens……my viewfinder.
Thank you for joining me on this new path.
Love,
ellie
I’m excited to follow your blog. I’ve always found you to be a person of great gravitas and only wish our paths crossed more because I would love to be your friend.
Thank you Amanda, you are very generous, although we do not cross paths often I consider you my friend, who knows what the future holds for you and I.
<3
So happy to meet you Ellie! So happy for this beautiful and inspiring blog…your unique creation! So happy to have you in my life! ❤️
Thank you for your kind words Barbara, Love you too.
This is an amazing accomplishment and your blogs are very interesting and well-written. I look forward to reading more of your unique view.
Thank you Lori, this means so much to me.
A pleasure to be amongst your friends, Ellie, on your new platform and marking the start of a new chapter in your journey! I am so proud of you for launching this on your Birthday and sharing your gifts with us all!! Love always!!
Thank you Debbie, I appreciate your support and prayers as you have been through a few of my chapters.
More than half a century ago my very first friend was you. Although miles and time have kept us apart we will always share a special connection. To you I say happy birthday. And now I open my heart and my friendship to ellie and I wish her happy birth day and celebrate this new journey. I am so happy for you and so lucky to still have you as my friend.
Thank you my friend and childhood sister. xo
I am taken in from the very 1st line. You are amazing! Xo
Karen you are my wonderful cheerleader and a constant support. Thank you.
Kudos, Ellie, for mustering up the courage to put yourself out there. Not many of us would be able to do that; and thank you for sharing your story so that the rest of us can feel connected through a common experience. You are an inspiration to all of us!
Thank you Christine, I couldn’t do this without the support of all of you.