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Opening your heart to trust and to love someone runs the risk of being hurt. For the most part I would say I have been pretty successful in finding safe people to be a part of my life. Unfortunately opening myself up to the possibility of a relationship also makes me vulnerable, a target for people who are unhealthy, people who want to hurt others in order to make themselves feel better, people who want to make me feel small so that they can feel big and important.

I have had one very strong negative voice in my life since the beginning. One same voice with the same message spoken through four different people. As each new person enters my life, replacing the last, the weight of the message grows stronger and gains more traction. If these people all say the same things about me, then it must be true. I will never measure up. Measure up to what, I don’t know. I am bad, they are good. I am stupid and can’t think for myself. I am told what I should do and what I should think. I am never allowed to have my own opinion, I am shut down and bullied, never given a chance to defend myself. I have had a lifetime of negative messages telling me it is not ok to simply be myself.

Why did I listen?  Why didn’t I focus on parents who treasured me, or friends who were good for me, loved me, and knew I was worthy?  Why is it so easy to doubt the good and accept the bad?  Why is it we can receive four compliments, three positive, but only hear the one negative? Why is it the darkness can take over, can speak into our lives and convince us we are bad.

Through a student exchange program in high school I ended up living and going to school in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island for five weeks. It wasn’t exactly the most glamorous place for me since I spent most of my summer vacations at my family’s cottage in PEI. It was different though. It was February for starters. I was staying in the city. I lived with a family who knew nothing about me except what I decided I wanted them to know. I was 17 years old, convinced I was wise beyond my years. I felt my life experiences were vast, that I could handle anything life threw at me, that I had all the answers.

The family I stayed with was nothing like mine. They were the most eclectic bunch of fun loving, demonstrative, unorganized, unrestrained people I have ever met. I had the time of my life. It was magic. I had no labels. I wasn’t Mr. & Mrs. daughter or so-and-so’s sister. I wasn’t pigeonholed into a type at school. There were no expectations, no one was telling me who I was supposed to be. For five weeks, I was just me. Robyn, the girl I was billeted with, became my sister as soon as I walked through their door. They took me in as one of their own, loved me, and accepted me, warts and all, just as I am.

As I strive to live an emotionally healthy life, I am learning to become aware of negative people in my life, to stand up for myself and say no, this is not right, I am a good person. It’s hard because the layers of bad messages have been built from years of repetitive manipulations. A few choice words or comments can have me spinning and brings me right back to where I was. It is like an undercurrent in my life, binding me to a litany of self doubt and loathing. Last week was one of those times.

Although we have kept in touch sporadically over the years, Robyn and I have not spent a great deal of time together since I was a part of her family. Our lives have not been quite in sync with each other. The love remains, the timing is off. Fortunately, this changed, and last week when I was at an all time low, we connected. Why did I hear and accept the compliment this time? I don’t know. But I knew I had to hang onto this little thread, this thought, this feeling. It felt like a lifeline had just been thrown out to me and I needed to grab onto it and not let go. I needed to listen, to hear, and to feel.

Enjoying a lively conversation, catching up on our families, events, and milestones, and reminiscing about that special time had me laughing and filled with joy for a change. Robyn talked about my goodness: my boisterous personality filled with love that she got to know so long ago. That was the thread, the rope, the lifeline that was thrown out to me. If Robyn could see the goodness in me at the age of 17, that must mean the core of who I truly am is good. It was like a grounding of self. All those years of listening to these voices telling me I am bad were just layers covering up a foundation that is inherently good.

The work is not over, and the battle of standing up to these negative people is not finished. But now I have this truth to hang onto, this talisman. It makes me feel as if a small ray of sunshine has cracked into the darkness. It has made the lies I have accepted all these years a little bit smaller. It is helping me to see the truth of who I am, and the truth of who these negative people are. These people are not worthy of my attention or time.

Now that I am living on my own, with only my voice to follow, reminds me of the time I spent with Robyn and her family. Finally, I have the freedom to decide who I really am.

Love,