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When I hear the latest guru start to list off the important bullet point items that everyone should follow to heal, I am quite quick to tune out, turn the page, or change the channel. Put your own needs at the top of the list. Make time for yourself. Make a date with yourself. Take a walk, or a bubble bath. Make a cup of tea. Renew your mind. You can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. Blah blah blah. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think about it. I roll my eyes when I hear this repetitive self help type jargon. I’ve heard it a million times and I suppose deep down I know it’s possible it could help, but it takes planning, determination, and work. No thanks.

So far, when asked about my vacation I have painted a scene similar to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: the princess singing to the critters of the forest, the birds tweeting, the bees buzzing as they all come to perch and listen to her wonderful voice. To be honest part of my vacation was not that far off the mark. I’m not a princess and I didn’t sing, the critters of the forest are most certainly thankful for that! But they did come to visit. The blue jays came looking for peanuts. The leader would perch on the railing and cock his head as if to say hurry up, feed us, while his band of brothers waited safely in the trees. The bumble bees swarmed my hostas. It was quite interesting because everywhere else the grass had turned brown from lack of rain, but the bees were so busy in my plants that the grass around the cottage was lush and green. And I can’t say I was overly happy to see a fox come out from under my deck within two feet of my bare, juicy-looking legs, but I was happy he stuck around long enough for me to grab my camera. But that is the fairy tale part of my vacation, the fun parts.

Spending two weeks in self isolation can be both therapeutic and terrifying. I had no access to internet, the cell phone reception was so bad I had to run around the property to find the sweet spot. I was forced to stand completely still while I talked, or the connection would break, which led to extremely short, basic conversations. In preparation for my vacation I looked forward to being unplugged. The fantasy of freedom from a busy life filled with schedules so full I never had time to just sit was exciting.

What a naïve fool I was! By day three I thought I would lose my mind. I was already exhausted and anxious from all the self introspection with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. Even weeks later, thinking back to that day I can feel the anxiety rise, my heart starting to race and sweat forming. It was both the best and worst time.

It shouldn’t really have come as a complete surprise. Getting away and slowing down takes energy. I was so wrapped up in speed and ticking off tasks, it almost hurt to sit and do nothing. In retirement, my parents spent their summers at the cottage. I remember my mom saying, ‘it takes a week to slow down.’ It’s crazy when you think about it. How is it that even our ordinary days can be that taxing on our minds and bodies?

Keeping busy gives the image of doing chores and running errands, but it’s also doing things that keep the mind occupied so you don’t have to think about… well, anything. Netflix, Facebook, and Google searches can suck hours of the day away and bring your brain to that blissful place of numbness.

Day three of fourteen days all by myself and I came close to either throwing up or passing out. Thankfully, I did neither. Somehow a small thought crept into the light, telling me that my emotions won’t literally kill me. It might feel like it and it would hurt, but I would survive.

Having the luxury of time, I was able to look at and explore the hurts and wounds of my life: what needed to be settled, things that simply needed to be let go. I’m not saying avoidance does not still play an important role in my life. In fact that first day – day three of the best and worst vacation I have had – consisted of about five minutes of acceptance that it was time to start healing followed by about seven hours of watching old movies that I have seen so many times I can recite the lines.

Am I embarrassed to say I could sit and watch that much TV without moving? Yes, of course I am. No one wants to admit that TV binging is a regular habit. We all want to look bright and shiny and active and healthy. But dealing with our stuff can be incredibly painful and physically exhausting, even when it is just a few moments at a time. The important thing is that we try, we work, and we move forward. We need to find a way that works for each of us to make it through.

Self isolation can be both a prison and a haven. It was day ten of my two-week self isolation sentence and I found myself panicking once again. Nervous, anxious, sweating, dreading the day I would be free. I wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I had discovered the luxury of knowing I would not be interrupted, I didn’t have to entertain, the house could be a mess, and I could wear the clothes from the day before. I could be a blubbering fool one moment and a put-together coherent person the next. No one would know, I could just be whatever I needed to be.

So maybe the self-help gurus don’t have it all that wrong. I just wish I could find one that would say ‘if you need to eat a box of chocolates and watch 10 seasons of Friends to deal with your crap, go for it’. Use whatever you’ve got, just find your unique way to cope. Of course, keeping things bottled up for years like I did is definitely not the answer. After all, who normally has two weeks all to themselves? Taking the time to process events as they happen is what anyone would recommend. How you choose to do that, well that is up to you. Just don’t give up and don’t give in. Healing is painful as hell, but it sure is awesome when you can get through to the other side.

Love,