Why do we sabotage ourselves? We know what is good for us. We know what we want. We take steps, make improvements. Things start going our way. Then poof! Something happens in our lives. We throw up our hands and say to ourselves “it can’t be done”, or we look for an obstacle, an excuse to give up.
I had a closet crammed with clothes, but only five outfits that fit. I had makeup and jewelry in drawers that never saw the light of day. A hair cut was long overdue. I could not walk very far and hurt all the time. The only photos of me were from the shoulders up. I declined invitations, avoided any kind of travel, was self conscious and unmotivated. In two years I would turn 50, but I felt twice that age.
This was it. This was my time. I decided that once and for all I would beat this thing that weighed me down quite literally in all ways.
Now I know that losing weight and feeling pretty does not define a person. It will not give us that picture-perfect life we dream of. It does not solve our problems. But being healthier certainly makes dealing with life a little easier. We will have more energy to fight the battles we need to fight, to do the things we dream of doing. If we get sick, our bodies will be a little more prepared. And let’s be honest, it just feels so damn good.
Two years of hard work and I dropped several sizes. I cleaned out my closet and filled it up with things that fit. I absolutely loved that feeling when a dress would just slide down my body into place, no tugging, no pulling. I walked all the time, I was filled with boundless energy, and nothing ached. My accessories of earrings and scarves paled against the accessory of my permanent smile.
I was filled with confidence, satisfaction, and the accomplishment of reaching a lifelong goal.
But I was cocky and proud and took it for granted. Then poof! Something happened. And that something was life. I had spent two years focusing on healthy food and exercise, ignoring the problems in my life. Like the blinders on a horse, I kept my eye on that one goal and then let it slip away when I turned my attention to other things.
It is a slow, steady progression of watching the scale climb back up. At first, it’s only five pounds, I can fix this. Then it’s 10. Better get started. And so it goes. In what feels like a moment, half the weight I had lost has crept back on. Rings and necklaces feel tight, it must be humid today. My knees hurt, it’s going to rain. I’m working from home, no need to do my makeup or hair. Thankfully Zoom meetings only require video from the shoulders up. I have a closet crammed with clothes, but only five outfits that fit. I stand in front of the mirror.
OH – MY – GOD – ! She is back!
After all that hard work, the old self that I vowed to leave behind forever is staring me in the face.
Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage ourselves? Why didn’t I stop myself? Because let’s be honest, it didn’t happen in a moment and it wasn’t the humidity. Maybe it’s the familiarity, the ease of falling back into what we know rather than following what we have learned. Its like pulling a blanket up under our chin and snuggling in. Somehow it feels safe.
I could spend days beating myself up about it and telling myself that there is no use. But instead I remind myself that the reflection staring back at me is just one picture, not the whole picture.
The whole picture includes a messy life of lessons learned. The important question is what am I going to do about it.
After all, I have three years before turning 60.
Love,
ellie
It’s because bread is so. darn. good. Also, ice cream. Haha! I’m struggling with my weight now, too—or more precisely, with my lack of motivation to change it. I was at my ideal weight less than a year after my second child was born, so I know I can do it. But I was also crazily tracking calories in and calories out and working out for an hour during my kids’ nap time. My life is very different now. I just don’t have the motivation to give my weight so much time and effort. I have so many other things I want to do. I’m hoping that the time will come when I can focus on that again; and for the meantime, I just try to eat as healthily as I can without beating myself up about it.
You’ve got the right focus now Amanda.
Do your best, don’t beat yourself up, aim for healthy. The more aware we are of our triggers and reactions the better we can cope with so many difficulties in our lives. Psalm 139 gives me great comfort, especially these verses,
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
I hear you, sister! This struggle is real for so many of us. Whether it be losing weight or a myriad of other challenges, it’s so hard to maintain the level of progress we’ve made when life keeps throwing challenges at us.
You are right Christine, we need to remember to be kind to ourselves and ‘allow’ some breathing room when things to go as we wish.